open & closed

They say,
that when one door closes
another opens.

They say,
that everything that happens,
happens for a reason.

They say,
that when you fall
you must always get back up.

They say so much.
So many optimistic words,
so many promises of healing,
…joy

What they don’t say,
is that it aches,
that it breaks you apart
from the inside out.

They tell you to close the door
and look ahead to what
lies before you.

But they don’t tell you,
that closing the door
takes something from you.

They don’t tell you,
that you leave a part of yourself
behind in the process.

I’ve learned to take everything
they say
and make
my own decision.

I closed the door
for myself this time.
Closed it to heal my own heart.
And the most amazing door
Opened.

Opened to a future
that made sense,
that held purpose,
held love,
…joy

They tell you, that good things
come to those who wait.
That patience is a virtue,
that everyone will one day
open the door to what they’ve
been waiting for.

It was for your heart, I waited.
And it was the door to you
that finally brought all the pieces
together.

They say,
that when one door closes,
another most certainly
opens.

memories & hope

For the woman who has cherished each one of us...

my beautiful Grandma.

It was somewhere in between
watching her soul go ahead,
and watching her body fight to stay,
that we felt hope…

Tears of sadness,
at the memories laid behind us.
Tears of joy,
at the hope that lay before us.

We were in between celebration
and mourning.
But we had hope.

In everything that came to pass,
from here on out,
we would carry the memory of
her life,
her love,
and her laughter.

And we would not only
find ways to honor her
memory,
but keep it alive with us.

This was her legacy…
A circle of the love,
that she had instilled in each of us.
A unit of the strength,
that came from the woman
she had always been.

It was in her memory,
we found the most hope.

To live with a purpose
she would be proud of,
a love that would challenge hers,
and a willingness to laugh
that would bring a smile
to the angel she now was.

We are her legacy,
finding our footing…
In between memories and hope

everything & nothing

An understatement,
a subtle line,
a simple word
And now,
I’ve found everything.

Holding on to
nothing,
waiting for a sign,
something.

Struck with the
notion
that it is all finally
at my fingertips.

It’s here,
all that I’ve sought,
that I’ve dreamt,
that I’ve hoped.

An understated dream,
a subtle vision,
an endless stream of words.
I’ve found everything.

husband & wife

For Jenny B. and JPeG on their Wedding Day, November 17, 2009

The steady rhythm,
a feeling of wholeness,
a completion…
written simply in the word
Wife.

A collection of voices,
a sea of faces,
and the simple word
Husband.

A unity
A bond
A future filled with
purpose and joy.

The steady rhythm.
a feeling of happiness,
a celebration…
defined simply by the word
Forever.

They were now,
Husband and Wife.

knowledge & wisdom

The place between
knowledge and wisdom...
A wanderer on a brick road,
a cloud enriched sky,
the mist before sunrise,
the feeling that you're on your way…

…that the journey has just begun.
And it’s one filled with promise,
and the hope of new life.

night & day

I lay awake
burning,
breathing,
aching.

Staring out an open window,
seeing nothing but
the portrait of a night sky.
An embrace of just who
I really am now.

Intriguing how I can be so [whole]
during the day
and feel so - empty -
at the end of it.

I’ve convinced myself
I’m okay.
Convinced myself
I can survive.

But it’s at night,
when the distractions fade,
that I realize how
much of me
was tied into you

How much of my heart
was kept alive by your love.
And how much of my soul
was defined by the role you
held in my life.

It’s now,
at night…
that I feel the loss
that I feel the betrayal.
And I pray for the day
that I can lie in bed
and feel [whole] again.

worthy & cheap

If ever I needed a
reminder of what feeling
worthless was like
All I needed was to meet you

If ever I wanted to know the feeling
of being cheapened
All I needed was to open my
heart
to you
and watch it
b r e a k
in front of me

My head whispers
“you are worthy”
and my heart screams
“you are nothing”

In between
cheap and worth
I fall to my knees

I am a fool
Who let my
heart
be entrusted to the one
who would
b r e a k
it before he even had a chance
to sees it light

In between
cheap and worth
I curse you,
for being able to hurt me
in such a way

If I ever wanted to remember
the feeling of being worthless,
all I needed was to open my heart
to you
and watch it
b r e a k
in front of me…

love & war

All’s fair?…
Well here’s my decree,
I take it back:
every apology,
every sympathetic tone,
every inclination ,
that made my heart vulnerable again.

Again with the heartache.
Again with the anger filled stare.
Where is my retribution?
The time lost, the days wasted?

If all’s fair in love and war,
then my pain driven reaction must be justified.
My hate-filled strike warranted.

All isn’t fair
Life is never fair.
And the loathing I have toward you,
will never take the away the sadness
I feel about how unfair it is
that she got what I couldn’t have.

That she was the one who found herself,
in your arms.
Wrapped in an embrace
meant for me.
Replacing the one who had
so longed to
be where she was.

All isn’t fair…
Life is never fair…

rain & shine

The rain fell,
a testament to the storm in her heart.
The writings on the wall
had been clear:
Cease and desist.

And yet she forged ahead anyway.
The days of warmth and sun
replaced with a bittersweet sorrow.

If only the moments
that made it all seem real
could be bottled up and saved.

The rain fell,
washing away the illusions.
Leaving her with nothing
but an empty bottle

and a distant memory...

push & pull

A discord
The push and

pull of emotions

my heart screams

And yet

no words
leave my lips

A cry of my soul
Please come…
Please hear
what I cannot say

A push to move forward
A pull
to remain the same

Please come…
Please draw the words
that
I so desperately
need you to know

A discord,
A push and
a pull
Where will I end up?

black & white

It hung on an old antique hanger.
A contrast of wisdom and youth.

A simple white wedding dress.

Full of promise,

eager to adorn the woman in love.

It was in that dark closet she sank to her knees.

A perfect white,
set against the black of the hole in her chest.

The place between

full of an emotion that was foreign to her.

The love was brief,

So much more than she ever imagined.

Didn’t they say love conquered all?

Weren’t people supposed to get a

happily ever after?

It was in that dark closet,

In the place between black and white,

That she let the tears finally fall.

A cascade of emotion,

A flood of memories,

The vision of what she was to be in that

Perfect white wedding dress.

Her future ceased to exist

as she had dreamt it

Now, set against a fuzzy background

she could only hope

that this

would not be it for her

That the perfect white,

would

one day

Overcome the black in her chest.

And the place between black and white

Would brighten to show,

A vision,

Of her in that perfect white wedding dress.

smoke & mirrors

It was the faintest of smells… a mix between cigarette smoke and him.
A memory:
of him holding me, kissing me,
enveloping all that I was in that moment.

It made me smile to think of him, to still be able to smell of him even as I drove away. My heart had been so consumed with fear for so long, and all this time I thought it would take me so much time to be ready.

Ready.
I was nowhere near ready for the force that he was to be in my life. Nothing I could have read, or prayed, or written could have prepared me for such a man. Or for such a moment.

A moment.
I was so taken by him so quickly. So quickly that my mind was in a haze. Looking at him was like looking in a mirror. Two tattered souls trying to find the pieces to put back together.

Together.
Two different souls, two hearts. That fit together like a puzzle. It’s like the missing pieces had always been inside of him. As if I was meant to feel the hurt, the pain, the broken heart. So that he could be the one to come fill the gaps. To bring me back to life.

Life.
I had never wanted to the future I had dreamt of so long ago, more than I did in this moment. A dream, a vision, a feeling of hope.

Hope.
Tangled and woven into the smell. The faintest of smells. A memory being made as I drove away. A realization that when the smoke cleared and the moment became a memory, I would no longer look into the mirror with fear.

I would look beyond that and see him.
The mixture of cigarette smoke
and a mirror into my soul.

walking & running

Colors of fall painted the landscape outside the café window. She was melancholy, for reasons she was more than aware of. The smell of winter’s arrival was blowing in. The grey outside was a swift reminder of exactly what her life had become and it did little to light up the ivory of her skin.

The warm cup of coffee in her hands did little to chase away the cold of her fingers. What has it come to? She thought to herself. Life had turned upside down for her but even now, in the midst of the café that had become part of her morning ritual, she had no emotion. She was empty but there was nothing left to express.

Her thoughts turned to the way things were. The beautiful smile he gave to her and her alone. The goodness of his heart shone bright for her and she was like a moth to a flame. She touched her hand to her cheek. The last thing he had done was kiss her there and swiftly turn from her forever.

She wrapped her silk scarf tightly around her neck before grabbing her coat. Just as she opened the door to face winter’s oncoming her favorite server called back to her, “Have a wonderful day Emma!” It warmed her, “Thanks Adele, you too.” She smiled warmly before heading out into the cold.

The wind had picked up by the time she headed down the street and she dropped her head to avoid the onslaught of nature’s mocking. Suddenly there was a wall in front of her. Startled she began to apologize, “I’m so sorry sir. I wasn’t even paying attention…Daniel.” Shock registered on her face, “I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it, please excuse me,” his voice without emotion. She smiled nervously, “Of course,” the sadness showing in the corner of her eyes. She walked away from him after that; quickly but as to not give off the impression she was running. When in reality all she could think of was running, as fast as she could.

old & new

The place between old and new memories.

Awash with a peaceful stillness.

No rushing sound. No chaotic wind.

Just a quiet surrender.

My mind on a journey of purpose.

To get from one spot to another.

Resting for now,

in the place between old and new.

The old memories,

tinged with sadness.

Faded by time.

Sweetened,

by the existing person

they have created.

The newness of fall becomes an expression,

a change in color,

in life,

in the thankful heart.

New dreams to dream become a desire.

A surrender to hope,

to life,

to fulfillment.

The place between is tranquil

for now.

A pleasant change

from a somber way of thinking.

A steady pace

set forth by the one I've become.

Reflecting and fulfilled

in the place between old and new.

still & chaos

It is here,

in the place between still and chaos;

I hear Your voice,

a gentle whisper,

a solemn vow.

And I know You are holding me...

awake & dreaming

There’s a place between awake and dreaming, when your mind has no control. When the things you desire in the depths of your soul still linger as reality struggles to take over

It’s in this moment,

when I am still wrapped in the warmth of the subconscious, that I see you.

You’re presence is strong, your face unknown, but your embrace stays with me through the day.

I feel like such a foolish girl, dreaming of a man I have never met. Wondering what it would be like to have the man I love wrapping his arms around me, welcoming me with his smile, whispering my name.

Foolish because I do not get such a luxury.

For the man I am bound to is a man I have never met before. I know it is our custom. I know it is my duty, and yet I can’t find it in myself to feel anything but sadness.

I dream of you.

I wish I only had the chance to know who you were. But I know in my heart that should I ever meet you I will only feel more sadness at the idea of never being yours fully.

I wish for you…

fear & courage

The place between ready to jump and

afraid to drown.

These butterflies come forth when I think too much. When my hands are idle and my heart is left to consume itself with fear.

This fear, this culmination of words meant to convey emotion has left me in between. Words meant to bring meaning, share hope, bring life…all come to mind instead.

What is my fear?

1. The manifestation of this broken heart.

2. The action of pushing away anything good because I don’t want another broken heart.

3. This emotion will leave me full of regret and sorrow because I will have missed a chance at greatness.

4. It’s time to breathe, to live, and to step forward in courage…

I relinquish fear’s hold on my heart.

life & death

The place between life and death is a hard place to be.

As I watched her deep breaths surrounded by the machines pumping life into her, I could think of nothing else but the pain she was in.

This woman, full of joy and beauty, was stuck in the in-between. Reaching, aching, for heaven and being held to earth by the love of her family.

The love for her family.

The day was fitting. Dark clouds, a gusting wind, a solemn understanding.

Her mind had ceased working, as it should many months ago. She was clinging to the memories she had and relying on the others we could give her.

The sound of nurses bustling around in the background filled the room. Everything felt like slow motion, like a dream.

Was she awake or asleep? The voices seemed so distant, the strength she once had so unattainable. It was a siren’s call, a plea, a bargain.

Heaven was calling.

Would she answer the call today?