black & white

It hung on an old antique hanger.
A contrast of wisdom and youth.

A simple white wedding dress.

Full of promise,

eager to adorn the woman in love.

It was in that dark closet she sank to her knees.

A perfect white,
set against the black of the hole in her chest.

The place between

full of an emotion that was foreign to her.

The love was brief,

So much more than she ever imagined.

Didn’t they say love conquered all?

Weren’t people supposed to get a

happily ever after?

It was in that dark closet,

In the place between black and white,

That she let the tears finally fall.

A cascade of emotion,

A flood of memories,

The vision of what she was to be in that

Perfect white wedding dress.

Her future ceased to exist

as she had dreamt it

Now, set against a fuzzy background

she could only hope

that this

would not be it for her

That the perfect white,

would

one day

Overcome the black in her chest.

And the place between black and white

Would brighten to show,

A vision,

Of her in that perfect white wedding dress.

smoke & mirrors

It was the faintest of smells… a mix between cigarette smoke and him.
A memory:
of him holding me, kissing me,
enveloping all that I was in that moment.

It made me smile to think of him, to still be able to smell of him even as I drove away. My heart had been so consumed with fear for so long, and all this time I thought it would take me so much time to be ready.

Ready.
I was nowhere near ready for the force that he was to be in my life. Nothing I could have read, or prayed, or written could have prepared me for such a man. Or for such a moment.

A moment.
I was so taken by him so quickly. So quickly that my mind was in a haze. Looking at him was like looking in a mirror. Two tattered souls trying to find the pieces to put back together.

Together.
Two different souls, two hearts. That fit together like a puzzle. It’s like the missing pieces had always been inside of him. As if I was meant to feel the hurt, the pain, the broken heart. So that he could be the one to come fill the gaps. To bring me back to life.

Life.
I had never wanted to the future I had dreamt of so long ago, more than I did in this moment. A dream, a vision, a feeling of hope.

Hope.
Tangled and woven into the smell. The faintest of smells. A memory being made as I drove away. A realization that when the smoke cleared and the moment became a memory, I would no longer look into the mirror with fear.

I would look beyond that and see him.
The mixture of cigarette smoke
and a mirror into my soul.

walking & running

Colors of fall painted the landscape outside the café window. She was melancholy, for reasons she was more than aware of. The smell of winter’s arrival was blowing in. The grey outside was a swift reminder of exactly what her life had become and it did little to light up the ivory of her skin.

The warm cup of coffee in her hands did little to chase away the cold of her fingers. What has it come to? She thought to herself. Life had turned upside down for her but even now, in the midst of the café that had become part of her morning ritual, she had no emotion. She was empty but there was nothing left to express.

Her thoughts turned to the way things were. The beautiful smile he gave to her and her alone. The goodness of his heart shone bright for her and she was like a moth to a flame. She touched her hand to her cheek. The last thing he had done was kiss her there and swiftly turn from her forever.

She wrapped her silk scarf tightly around her neck before grabbing her coat. Just as she opened the door to face winter’s oncoming her favorite server called back to her, “Have a wonderful day Emma!” It warmed her, “Thanks Adele, you too.” She smiled warmly before heading out into the cold.

The wind had picked up by the time she headed down the street and she dropped her head to avoid the onslaught of nature’s mocking. Suddenly there was a wall in front of her. Startled she began to apologize, “I’m so sorry sir. I wasn’t even paying attention…Daniel.” Shock registered on her face, “I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it, please excuse me,” his voice without emotion. She smiled nervously, “Of course,” the sadness showing in the corner of her eyes. She walked away from him after that; quickly but as to not give off the impression she was running. When in reality all she could think of was running, as fast as she could.

old & new

The place between old and new memories.

Awash with a peaceful stillness.

No rushing sound. No chaotic wind.

Just a quiet surrender.

My mind on a journey of purpose.

To get from one spot to another.

Resting for now,

in the place between old and new.

The old memories,

tinged with sadness.

Faded by time.

Sweetened,

by the existing person

they have created.

The newness of fall becomes an expression,

a change in color,

in life,

in the thankful heart.

New dreams to dream become a desire.

A surrender to hope,

to life,

to fulfillment.

The place between is tranquil

for now.

A pleasant change

from a somber way of thinking.

A steady pace

set forth by the one I've become.

Reflecting and fulfilled

in the place between old and new.

still & chaos

It is here,

in the place between still and chaos;

I hear Your voice,

a gentle whisper,

a solemn vow.

And I know You are holding me...

awake & dreaming

There’s a place between awake and dreaming, when your mind has no control. When the things you desire in the depths of your soul still linger as reality struggles to take over

It’s in this moment,

when I am still wrapped in the warmth of the subconscious, that I see you.

You’re presence is strong, your face unknown, but your embrace stays with me through the day.

I feel like such a foolish girl, dreaming of a man I have never met. Wondering what it would be like to have the man I love wrapping his arms around me, welcoming me with his smile, whispering my name.

Foolish because I do not get such a luxury.

For the man I am bound to is a man I have never met before. I know it is our custom. I know it is my duty, and yet I can’t find it in myself to feel anything but sadness.

I dream of you.

I wish I only had the chance to know who you were. But I know in my heart that should I ever meet you I will only feel more sadness at the idea of never being yours fully.

I wish for you…

fear & courage

The place between ready to jump and

afraid to drown.

These butterflies come forth when I think too much. When my hands are idle and my heart is left to consume itself with fear.

This fear, this culmination of words meant to convey emotion has left me in between. Words meant to bring meaning, share hope, bring life…all come to mind instead.

What is my fear?

1. The manifestation of this broken heart.

2. The action of pushing away anything good because I don’t want another broken heart.

3. This emotion will leave me full of regret and sorrow because I will have missed a chance at greatness.

4. It’s time to breathe, to live, and to step forward in courage…

I relinquish fear’s hold on my heart.

life & death

The place between life and death is a hard place to be.

As I watched her deep breaths surrounded by the machines pumping life into her, I could think of nothing else but the pain she was in.

This woman, full of joy and beauty, was stuck in the in-between. Reaching, aching, for heaven and being held to earth by the love of her family.

The love for her family.

The day was fitting. Dark clouds, a gusting wind, a solemn understanding.

Her mind had ceased working, as it should many months ago. She was clinging to the memories she had and relying on the others we could give her.

The sound of nurses bustling around in the background filled the room. Everything felt like slow motion, like a dream.

Was she awake or asleep? The voices seemed so distant, the strength she once had so unattainable. It was a siren’s call, a plea, a bargain.

Heaven was calling.

Would she answer the call today?